COLUMBUS, OH— A new national survey released Tuesday found that 94% of Americans who tell friends, family members, or colleagues they are “five minutes away” have not yet put on their shoes, adding to growing evidence that the phrase has become less a statement of physical proximity than a declaration of personal happiness.
The study, conducted by the National Institute for Everyday Accountability, surveyed 3,400 adults across 18 states and found that respondents who described themselves as “almost ready” were frequently still deciding what to wear, searching for their keys, or sitting on the edge of their beds with their phones in their hands.
Researchers said the findings suggest that Americans have developed an increasingly flexible relationship with time, particularly when communicating with people who are already waiting somewhere.
“We found that the five minute estimate is rarely based on a realistic assessment of current tasks,” said Dr. Martin Ellery, the institute's director of behavioral timing research. “Instead, it appears to function as a reassurance mechanism. The individual is not necessarily attempting to deceive anyone. They are expressing the amount of time they would prefer the remaining process to take.”
The study found that only 6% of respondents who sent the message had actually reached their vehicles at the time of transmission. Another 31% had selected their clothing, while 22% reported being unable to locate at least one item necessary to leave the house.
The remaining respondents were engaged in activities researchers described as “pre-departure drift,” a broad category that included watching short videos, checking the weather, changing outfits, and beginning conversations that could reasonably have been postponed until arrival.
Researchers said the most significant finding was the difference between how respondents understood the phrase and how recipients interpreted it.
Among people who received the message, 81% believed the sender had already left the house. Of those senders, only 14% had actually crossed their front door by the time the recipient began making that assumption.
The discrepancy has become a persistent source of tension among friends, couples, and coworkers, particularly in situations where one person has already arrived at a restaurant or event.
“I was sitting outside a restaurant for 26 minutes because my friend said he was five minutes away,” said local resident Kevin Marlow, 29. “At the 20 minute mark, he sent me a picture of his dog. I asked if he was driving, and he said he was still looking for a clean shirt.”
Marlow said his friend eventually arrived carrying a coffee he had purchased after sending the original message.
“He apologized and said traffic was bad,” Marlow added. “He lives seven minutes away. There was no traffic involved in any part of what happened.”
The research also found that the phrase has developed several recognizable stages. The initial “five minutes away” message is often followed by a secondary update, such as “walking out now,” which researchers found was frequently sent before the sender had begun moving toward the exit.
A third message, usually consisting of “where are you parked?” or “I'm pulling up,” often appears when the recipient has begun expressing frustration.
The institute found that 67% of senders considered themselves reasonably punctual if they had provided at least one update during the delay, regardless of whether the update accurately described their location.
Corporate communications specialists say the behavior reflects a broader shift toward language designed to manage expectations rather than communicate verifiable information.
“Modern communication is increasingly about maintaining confidence while circumstances remain fluid,” said Amanda Keene, a senior consultant at the timing and productivity firm Meridian Behavioral Solutions. “People are learning to communicate progress before progress has necessarily occurred. We see this across personal scheduling, workplace reporting, and package delivery.”
Keene said the company has begun developing a proposed framework that would allow people to describe their departure status using standardized categories, including “thinking about leaving,” “gathering essential items,” and “physically outside.”
The proposal has already attracted criticism from respondents who believe such a system would remove the emotional reassurance that makes the existing phrase useful.
Some participants also argued that the five minute estimate should not be evaluated literally because the sender may be describing an aspirational version of events.
“I tell people I'm five minutes away because I don't want them to think I'm ignoring them,” said Ohio resident Rachel Benton, 34. “If I say I'm 25 minutes away, then I have to explain why. If I say five minutes, I can finish getting ready without having that conversation.”
Benton said she had recently sent the message while still showering, although she maintained that she had already decided which shoes she intended to wear.
Researchers noted that the findings varied according to the type of event. Respondents were more likely to provide accurate estimates when facing financial penalties, professional consequences, or the possibility of losing a reservation.
By contrast, visits to friends and informal social gatherings produced the largest discrepancies between estimated and actual arrival times.
The institute attributed this difference to what it called “consequence weighted punctuality,” in which the urgency of an obligation determines how accurately a person evaluates the time required to fulfill it.
The study also found that 43% of respondents had previously received a message indicating that someone was five minutes away and subsequently used the same phrase themselves.
Researchers said the pattern suggests that the behavior is not limited to chronically late individuals but is reinforced by a social environment in which both parties understand the estimate to be unreliable.
The institute plans to conduct a follow up study examining whether the phrase has any measurable relationship to actual travel time.
For now, researchers recommend that recipients treat the message as an indication of intent rather than a reliable arrival estimate.
At press time, 94% of respondents who said they were five minutes away had yet to locate their shoes.
Disclaimer: This article is entirely fictional and is intended for purposes of humor and satire. All characters, names, and events depicted in this story are products of imagination and are not meant to be taken seriously.
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I wouldn't doubt it
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