PIKEVILLE, KY — A local man who purchased a $200 air fryer Tuesday reportedly remains confident that the appliance will soon transform him into one of the greatest chefs in human history, despite having produced nothing from it that anyone has described as particularly good.
“I think it just needs a little time,” said 27-year-old Derek Mills, standing in his kitchen beside the stainless steel appliance. “You can't expect to plug something in and immediately become a culinary genius.”
Mills said he had spent several weeks researching air fryers before deciding that the $200 model was the one that would finally allow him to reach his full potential in the kitchen.
According to Mills, the machine's large digital display, multiple cooking settings, and unusually heavy basket were all signs that he had made the right choice.
“I could tell when I opened the box,” he said. “This thing knows what it's doing.”
His first meal, however, was a frozen chicken sandwich that Mills cooked for 19 minutes at 400 degrees. The outside was described by friends as “hot in a way that felt threatening,” while the inside remained freezing cold.
Mills dismissed the result as a minor setback.
“I'm still learning what it can do,” he said. “The technology is there. I just haven't unlocked it yet.”
Friends who gathered at Mills' apartment that evening expressed less confidence in the arrangement.
“You bought a $200 countertop bucket because you thought it was going to give you talent,” said his friend Kyle Bennett. “That's not cooking. That's outsourcing your personality to an appliance.”
Another friend, Marcus Hill, said Mills had spent more money on the air fryer than he had on actual ingredients.
“He has three bags of frozen fries and a bottle of ketchup,” Hill said. “He's waiting for Gordon Ramsay to emerge from that thing.”
Mills maintained that his friends simply didn't understand his vision.
“I've watched a lot of cooking videos,” he said. “I know what I'm doing.”
When asked what he had learned from the videos, Mills paused for several seconds before explaining that professional chefs “usually move their hands around a lot.”
By Thursday, Mills had attempted chicken wings, mozzarella sticks, salmon, and what he described as a “deformed breakfast situation.” None were considered successful.
The wings were reportedly dry. The mozzarella sticks ruptured and covered the basket in melted cheese. The salmon was cooked through but remained “emotionally raw,” according to Bennett.
Still, Mills refused to consider the possibility that an air fryer might not be capable of fundamentally changing his cooking ability.
“It hasn't happened yet,” he said. “That's different from it not happening.”
He added that he had recently purchased a set of $80 kitchen knives because he believed the air fryer might need “supporting equipment.”
His friends have since stopped asking what he is making for dinner.
“He told me the air fryer was going to change his life,” Bennett said. “Then he handed me a burnt potato wedge and asked if I could taste the difference between 390 and 400 degrees.”
As of Friday afternoon, Mills was reportedly preparing for his next major culinary attempt: frozen chicken nuggets.
He said he expected the meal to be “the one.”
“I've got a feeling this is where everything clicks,” Mills said, carefully placing twelve nuggets into the basket.
At lunch time, Mills was staring at the air fryer display and quietly repeating, “Come on,” as though waiting for a horse to finish a race.
Disclaimer: This article is entirely fictional and is intended for purposes of humor and satire. All characters, names, and events depicted in this story are products of imagination and are not meant to be taken seriously.
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For real bro
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