WASHINGTON—Federal officials unveiled a proposal Thursday to ban kratom, a plant some people use as an alternative to stronger opioids, assuring the public that removing the substance would leave users with “no reason whatsoever” to seek out anything else.
Under the proposed legislation, kratom would be removed from shelves nationwide, eliminating one of the relatively accessible options currently used by some people attempting to move away from traditional opioids.
“We believe this will make everyone clean,” said totally real government spokesperson Daniel Wexler, standing beside a table containing several binders labeled "deal with big alcohol brands". “Once kratom is gone, people will naturally understand that the best thing to do is simply not use opioids anymore.”
When asked whether officials had considered that some people might instead seek illicit opioids, Wexler appeared genuinely surprised by the question.
“No,” he said. “Why would they do that?”
After a pause, he added, “There won't be a legal alternative except alcohol, obviously, but we're confident adults will respond to that inconvenience in a mature and completely predictable manner while coming off of the substance.”
The announcement immediately confused several addiction researchers, harm-reduction workers, and people who have actually encountered human beings.
Kratom contains alkaloids that interact with opioid receptors, but its effects and risks differ substantially from those of classic opioids such as heroin or fentanyl. Some people report using it to manage withdrawal or reduce their use of stronger opioids, while others have raised concerns about dependence and adverse effects.
Government officials acknowledged these distinctions before explaining that they were not particularly interested in them.
“We've reviewed the evidence very carefully,” said Wexler. “There are people who say kratom helped them stop taking other opioids. That's wonderful. Unfortunately, we're going to remove the thing they were using instead.”
When asked what those people should use afterward, Wexler said, "Just drink a little bit of alcohol, which has a much lower risk profile than kratom."
Lawmakers were similarly divided on the proposal, although neither side appeared especially interested in compromising.
“I don't understand why anyone thinks someone who's trying to get off heroin would immediately decide to go back to heroin just because we took away their less-intense alternative,” said Rep. Marjorie Bellweather, a definitely real member of Congress from Ohio. “That's ridiculous. People aren't that crazy.”
Bellweather then suggested that anyone who did return to illicit opioids after losing access to kratom would be demonstrating “a frankly embarrassing lack of imagination.”
Another real lawmaker, Sen. Randall Pike, took a different position.
“If kratom is helping people avoid harder drugs, then clearly we're dealing with a substance that's interfering with the natural consequences of their decisions,” Pike said. “Sometimes people need to hit rock bottom. Preferably at a federally approved rock bottom facility.”
Pike said he was not concerned about people returning to street opioids.
“They won't,” he said.
When reminded that people dependent on opioids generally do not become immune to addiction simply because a legal alternative disappears, Pike stared silently at the reporter for several seconds.
“That's a very negative attitude,” he said.
Meanwhile, officials continued emphasizing that the ban would ultimately result in a cleaner America.
“We're not telling anyone to use fentanyl,” Wexler said. “We're simply making sure they can't use this safer alternative either.”
He described the distinction as “extremely important.”
When asked whether the government had a replacement strategy for people currently using kratom to reduce their opioid consumption, Wexler said officials were “working on several exciting possibilities,” before clarifying that none of them involved making another opioid alternative available.
One proposal, he said, would involve encouraging people to “simply develop better judgment.”
At press time, government officials were reportedly celebrating the anticipated decline in kratom use while remaining completely certain that the millions of Americans affected would respond by becoming perfectly abstinent
overnight, rather than doing anything unexpected.
Disclaimer: This article is entirely fictional and is intended for purposes of humor and satire. All characters, names, and events depicted in this story are products of imagination and are not meant to be taken seriously.
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fr, kratom getting banned will definitely solve the drug crisis
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