PORTLAND, OR — Pausing midway through unlocking his phone for the sixth time in three minutes, local man Daniel Mercer reportedly reminded himself Monday that he remained fully capable of stopping whenever he wanted, which he planned to demonstrate immediately after one final refresh.
"I'm not addicted or anything," Mercer said, scrolling down on a social media feed he had already inspected moments earlier. "I'm just making sure nothing new happened. I'm putting it away."
Mercer, 34, explained that his repeated checking was less a compulsive behavior than a practical response to the possibility that someone, somewhere, might have posted something mildly interesting 1 minute later.
"You never know," he said, refreshing again. "There could be a message. Or breaking news. Or maybe that guy from high school posted another picture of his beat down truck."
Witnesses confirmed that Mercer had spent most of the morning cycling efficiently through the same five apps, opening each one with the focused determination of a man who was not going to give up. After finding no new emails, texts, notifications, headlines, or meaningful changes in the lives of acquaintances he had not spoken to in years, Mercer returned to the first app to ensure the situation had not developed during the previous 40 seconds.
His girlfriend, Elena Ruiz, said Mercer often announces plans to take a break from his phone while continuing to hold it in his left hand.
"He'll say, 'I'm done after this,' but 'this' never seems to end," Ruiz said. "Sometimes he puts it face down on the table, which is apparently his version of going off grid. Then it buzzes and he flips it over like he's been activated by some sort of secret agency."
Mercer rejected the suggestion that his phone controlled his attention.
"I'm in control," he said, responding instantly to a notification that turned out to be a restaurant promoting half price appetizers. "See? I didn't even care about that."
He then opened the restaurant's menu, checked its location, read four reviews, viewed photographs of the mozzarella sticks, and sent the link to two friends.
According to Mercer, the real problem is that modern life requires people to remain informed. If he failed to check his phone regularly, he might miss an urgent work email, an important family message, or a limited time opportunity to watch a 12-second video of a raccoon carrying a bagel.
By early afternoon, Mercer had developed a firm plan to regain control. He would finish checking his notifications, clear several app badges, look at the weather, confirm tomorrow's weather, read one article, check the comments beneath the article, and then place the phone in another room for at least 20 minutes.
The plan was delayed after Mercer remembered he had not checked his screen time report.
"Four hours and 51 minutes doesn't really count," he said. "A lot of that was probably maps."
Mercer later attempted to prove his strength by setting the phone on a nearby shelf. He lasted nearly two minutes before grabbing it to check the time, despite sitting directly across from a wall clock.
At press time, Mercer had enabled a screen-time limit, dismissed it for the day, and begun researching whether excessive phone use could affect concentration. He abandoned the article after the second paragraph when a notification appeared.
"I'll finish it later," he said, refreshing his feed once more. "Right after I check one thing."
Disclaimer: This article is entirely fictional and is intended for purposes of humor and satire. All characters, names, and events depicted in this story are products of imagination and are not meant to be taken seriously.
Couldn't be me addicted to social media
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