Painter sells a literal square for $1 million and everyone has questions |Slightly off Press

 MILFORD, Conn. — A 36 inch by 36-inch painting consisting almost entirely of a square sold for $1 million Thursday, prompting several art collectors to describe the work as “secretly devastating” while the painter’s friends privately questioned whether he had simply run out of ideas.

The painting, titled "Square #4,812", was created by contemporary artist Martin Bellamy and features a large blue and gray square centered on a pale canvas. Bellamy said the piece took him approximately six weeks to complete, although he acknowledged that most of that time was spent “thinking about where the square should go.”

“I knew immediately that the square was going to go viral,” Bellamy said while standing far away from the painting at a gallery opening. “But I didn’t want to rush perfection.”

The work attracted attention from several potential buyers, many of whom appeared genuinely astounded by its appearance.

“It’s incredibly balanced,” said collector Elaine Mercer, who spent nearly four minutes examining the painting before asking whether the square was “supposed to look better on the left.”

Another wealthy buyer, Thomas Reed, said the painting had a quality he's rarely encountered in contemporary art.

“I look at it, and I don’t feel like I need to understand it,” Reed said. “It’s just sitting there being a square. Honestly, it takes courage to make this kind of painting.”

A third person reportedly offered $850,000 before eventually increasing his bid to $1 million after noticing that the edges of the square were “very clean.”

“It’s the kind of thing you put in a room and immediately make everyone in the room feel like they've had a good day,” he said.

Bellamy’s longtime friends were more skeptical.

“I've known Martin for 12 years,” said his friend Kevin Doyle. “He used to paint landscapes. Then he painted a chair. Then he painted the chair again but made it slightly larger. Now he's a millionaire over a freaking square.”

Another friend, Melissa Grant, said she was happy for Bellamy but remained confused about the price.

“I’m not saying it’s bad,” Grant said. “I’m just saying I have a coaster that looks like that.”

According to friends, Bellamy first showed the painting to them in his apartment several months ago. Their reactions at the time were reportedly mixed.

“I asked him if he was going to finish it,” Doyle recalled. “He said it was finished. I thought he was joking.”

Grant said she initially assumed the painting was waiting for another layer.

“I kept looking for something else,” she said. “Eventually I realized the something else was a million dollars.”

Despite the criticism, Bellamy said he has no regrets about the painting and is already working on his next series, which will explore rectangles.

“People keep asking what the square means,” he said. “I think the better question is why we expect it to mean anything.”

At press time, one of Bellamy’s friends had reportedly offered him $40 for a painting he made last year depicting a single line, primarily because “it would cover the hole in my wall.”

Bellamy declined the offer.

Disclaimer: This article is entirely fictional and is intended for purposes of humor and satire. All characters, names, and events depicted in this story are products of imagination and are not meant to be taken seriously.