COLUMBUS, OH —A local man who purchased a brand-new gaming PC this week in the belief that the machine would immediately transform him into an elite video game player said Friday that he was beginning to suspect something had gone terribly wrong.
The computer, which cost almost 3 thousand dollars and currently sits on a desk surrounded by carefully positioned LED lights, has so far failed to produce the dramatic improvement in gaming skill he had expected.
“I don't know,” said the man, identified only as Ryan, while staring at a defeat screen in an online shooter. “It just hasn't helped yet. I think maybe it needs a little more time.”
Ryan said he had spent weeks researching graphics cards, cooling systems, and monitors eventually assembled a setup he described as “basically professional.” He had reportedly expected his first match on the new computer to feel noticeably different.
Instead, he finished near the bottom of the leaderboard.
“I can tell the PC is powerful,” Ryan said. “I just don't think it has 100 percent figured out how to make me good yet.”
According to Ryan, the computer's ability to display games at extremely high frame rates should eventually compensate for several years of inconsistent aim, poor decision-making and repeatedly running directly into enemies.
His friends were less optimistic.
“You're still you,” said longtime friend Marcus. “You just have a $2,800 computer now.”
Another friend, Tyler, suggested that Ryan's previous gaming setup had not actually been responsible for his losses.
“I watched him play on the old PC,” Tyler said. “The computer wasn't missing the shots.”
Ryan rejected this assessment, explaining that his previous equipment had been “holding him back in ways that are difficult to explain.”
He said the new machine had already made several important improvements to his gaming environment, including reducing loading times, increasing graphics, and making his mistakes happen at a significantly higher resolution.
At this time, Ryan had ordered a new gaming mouse after deciding the computer was probably waiting for one to make him better.
Disclaimer: This article is entirely fictional and is intended for purposes of humor and satire. All characters, names, and events depicted in this story are products of imagination and are not meant to be taken seriously.
I agree with him
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